deep dark pit of black tar rotten despair and sadness

feels like i am looking for the shape of something always, like pulling and groping around but with a kind of anxiety/ hive like motion, like nothing is ever figured out or solved or even 'well-rounded', 'beauteous', 'whole'. that's part of being alone, maybe im just building something- some shitty little thing that i hope will make sense to someone, attract someone, make me feel less alone and more like what other's allude to re: community. 

sad. 

sad. 

i am sad. 

i'm so sad. 

i'm sad. 

sad. 

i feel really sad. 

really sad. 

waking up im sad. 

dreams are sad. 

like, grey, un-inspired dreams of vague sadness. 

like a tuna-melt, only it's a sadness melt. 

clawing at my chest w/clammy fingers sad. 

sort of sad. 

wishing for ~20% less sadness at any given moment. 

would be happy with less sadness. 

maybe, not. 

can't even cry, it's not that type of sadness. 

it's more like, severe. there's probably a word for it. 

a very specific word for my sadness that i haven't found yet. 

the inability to find the word is now a part of the undefined nature of my sadness. 

sad. 

maybe will try to, something.