Sunday, August 7, 2011

deep dark pit of black tar rotten despair and sadness

feels like i am looking for the shape of something always, like pulling and groping around but with a kind of anxiety/ hive like motion, like nothing is ever figured out or solved or even 'well-rounded', 'beauteous', 'whole'. that's part of being alone, maybe im just building something- some shitty little thing that i hope will make sense to someone, attract someone, make me feel less alone and more like what other's allude to re: community. 

i am sad. 
i'm so sad. 
i'm sad. 
i feel really sad. 
really sad. 
waking up im sad. 
dreams are sad. 
like, grey, un-inspired dreams of vague sadness. 
like a tuna-melt, only it's a sadness melt. 
clawing at my chest w/clammy fingers sad. 
sort of sad. 
wishing for ~20% less sadness at any given moment. 
would be happy with less sadness. 
maybe, not. 
can't even cry, it's not that type of sadness. 
it's more like, severe. there's probably a word for it. 
a very specific word for my sadness that i haven't found yet. 
the inability to find the word is now a part of the undefined nature of my sadness. 
maybe will try to, something. 

1 comment: