Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Best Christmas Ever: I finally got an email from peterbd

so just who is frank hinton? what a stupid question. frank hinton is jennifer lopez. frank hinton is jennifer lopez and we've all been duped. jennifer lopez aka frank hinton released her first album in 1999. this album was entitled 'on the 6.' frank hinton aka jlo tried to convince the general public that this title dealt with her taking the 6th train from the bronx to manhattan on her quests to become a flygirl. this is not the truth. 'on the 6' really refers to 666 as in the number of the beast as in the number that just about everyone online is associated with as in the number steve roggenbuck recites whenever a camera is near him (frank gets illuminati residuals anytime steve says 666 in his inspirational videos). anyways, frank 'jlo' hinton entitled her album 'on the 6' so she could gain entry into the the illuminati which everyone knows is led by shawn 'jay z' carter. 'on the 6' was a multi platinum selling album (because of frank's association with the illuminati) which opened the doors to her having a long and successful career. frank hinton, aka jennifer lynn lopez, is now heading her illuminati website (alt lit gossip), had a successful illuminati endorsed #1 single ('on the floor' produced by redone who is the producer of illuminati 'it' girl, lady gaga) and uses her illuminati connections (jay z, tao lin, beyonce, paul mccartney) to convince internet users to purchase her chapbooks and spread her iluminati messages on facebook and twitter. smdh if you haven't noticed any of this.


"are you frank hinton?"
"no" says frank hinton 
"i think you're frank hinton"
"i am not frank hinton" says frank hinton
"are you sure?"
"yes" says frank hinton 
"but you look just like frank hinton"
"i am not frank hinton" says frank hinton 
"but you talk just like frank hinton" 
"i am not frank hinton" says frank hinton 
"but you smell just like frank hinton and walk just like frank hinton and have the same fucking face as frank hinton"
"i am not frank hinton" says frank hinton 
"why don't you just reveal yourself? i mean, what's the point of being an anonymous writer? don't you want to reap the benefits of everything you've done? don't you want your face plastered across billboards? don't you want to fuck every attractive person who gives you likes on facebook?
"nah, not really" says frank hinton 
"ugh, i hate this"
"where were you born?"
"a place" says frank hinton
"what do you do for a living?"
"i work" says frank hinton 
"where do you work"
"a place" says frank hinton 
"i can't take this shit anymore"
"then gtfoh" says frank hinton 
"no. i refuse to gtfoh. how old are you?" 
"an age" says frank hinton 
"are you dating anyone" 
"i have the ability to do that" says frank hinton 
"what is your favorite type of music"
"the one that is my favorite" says frank hinton 
"i hate this"
"i am indifferent" says frank hinton 
"what kind of food do you like to eat the most" 
"so many" says frank hinton 
"do you have a degree"
"a college degree or twerk team degree?" says frank hinton
"college degree"
"perhaps" says frank hinton
"cool. now we're getting somewhere. if you went to college, where did you attend school"
"a place" says frank hinton 
"i sincerely hate you"
"don't sweat the small stuff" says frank hinton


frank hinton died in the 20s. he died a very rich man. he was the head of his own brewery that he opened in 1886 and was a very successful business man. he had a wife named mary, a daughter name sue, and a son named jim. when prohibition became a 'thing', this did not stop frank hinton's successful business. he moved his brewery from omaha, nebraska to salvador, brazil. this brought him even more fortune and adulation from millions of brazilians due to frank helping their economy. frank hinton contracted polio in 1923. his wife was upset. his daughter was sad. his son was beside himself. frank hinton died on july 9, 1924. his funeral in brazil drew thousands. florianopolis, brazil is named after one of frank's famous brews. he was really loved by brazil. one day, while frank's wife was cleaning out his walk in closet, she found hundreds upon hundreds of stuff that was written by him. frank's wife couldn't believe it. the only thing frank seemed interested in when he was alive was beer and beating his wife at water polo. mary read frank's stories for hours until she read all of them. frank described how he didn't want his writings to go unnoticed and how he wanted to inspire future generations of anonymous writers since he was really into writers being anonymous. he told his wife, in written form, that she would have to get his work out there in the name of anonymity. he basically told her she'd have to be frank hinton until she died. 'damn, i guess i'm frank hinton now' mary said. so that's how it happened. frank hinton was the head of a brewery who was secretly a writer of indie literature who died of polio and passed the anonymity baton to his wife who passed it on to sue who also died of polio so she passed it on to jim who passed it on to his child who passed it on to their child who is the current version of frank hinton that now resides in halifax, nova scotia. hope this was a helpful explanation

20 rules from the official league of frank hinton rule book

1. please refrain from revealing your identity (ever)
2. if you are appointed to be frank hinton for a certain period of time, do not abuse this power by acting like a fucking imbecile 
3. always carry yourself with grace and elegance when interacting with internet individuals 
4. you may sleep with internet individuals, but if you reveal yourself as frank hinton then you will immediately be stripped of your frank hinton title and will never be asked to be frank hinton for the rest of your life 
5. always write things that are good
6. never write things that are bad 
7. do not be an asshole 
8. do not take a day off as being frank hinton no matter how sick you are 
9. do not be a fucking asshole 
10. you can tell at least one person you are frank hinton, but must make them swear to never tell a soul 
11. look at yourself in the mirror and say 'i am frank hinton and i am a fucking beautiful' at least twice daily 
12. be humble 
13. volunteer at your local soup kitchen at least three times a week 
14. if you followed through with #10 then you have been stripped of your frank hinton duties for all of eternity. see rule #1 if you have any questions as to why this has happened to you 
15. do not listen to maroon 5 or eat fast food 
16. when someone inevitably asks you if you are frank hinton, smile and say 'i am not frank hinton.' if this person does not take your word for it then it is ok to punch them in their face 
17. do not sleep 
18. consider yourself blessed that you hold this title and carry this power 
19. if you listen to a maroon 5 song by mistake or unknowingly eat a mcdonalds quarter pounder with cheese, you must immediately give yourself 100 back lashings while chanting 'i am sorry for tarnishing frank hinton's brand by listening to shitty music and eating foods that affect my cholesterol in detrimental ways.' here is a whip that is perfect for self mutilation. it can be purchased online http://www.aussiewhipmaker.com/cow_slap.htm 
20. go out there and get inspired. you are frank hinton and need inspiration for fuel 


it is likely that frank hinton is your relative. this is very likely 


do you remember when you were asked if you were frank hinton? well i do. it was on august 15, 2011. somebody was like 'hey, are you frank hinton?' and i was like 'no.' one day you will be asked if you are frank hinton and you will have to say no too. or maybe you will have to say yes because you are frank hinton. this is all very confusing yet very simple at the same time. you will be on gchat one day and someone will ask you if you are frank hinton. please do not panic. this has happened to a good number of us. just take a deep breath and type 'no' when asked. don't be ashamed for typing 'no.' we've all had to type 'no' in response to someone asking us if we are frank hinton. we have all felt worried that we might be frank hinton and that someone was on the verge of figuring out our identity. does this make any sense? frank hinton is frank hinton and you are you. it's kinda like if you see a police car behind you and you start getting nervous and think the policeman will arrest you even though you've done nothing wrong. when one asks you if you're frank hinton, you'll feel the urge to say yes out of nervousness. so when things like this occur just play it cool. just keep your composure 

dude makes a frank hinton confession
mason johnson:
Yes. I am Frank Hinton.
How'd you find out?

frank hinton

amy winehouse's debut album is entitled 'frank.' is this title referring to frank hinton? maybe. maybe not. many think frank hinton is a man. brad listi thinks frank hinton is male. this may or may not be true. i mean, who gives a fuck? frank hinton is a man. frank hinton is a woman. frank hinton is a hermaphrodite. frank hinton is a ghost. frank hinton is an alien. frank hinton is a cartoon character. frank hinton is in prison so he/she cannot reveal their identity. frank hinton is you. frank hinton is me. frank hinton is all of us. frank hinton, frank hinton, frank hinton. what will 2013 bring for this entity known as frank hinton? maybe frank hinton will write another book. maybe frank hinton will create a new interactive website. maybe frank hinton will stop doing this all together. that would make some people angry because they invest alot into frank hinton.  they appreciate frank hinton's point of view. they enjoy frank hinton's presence online. they like reading the stuff that frank hinton writes. people really seem to relate to what frank hinton says. look at any year end list, and 'action, figure' will be on it. i mean, frank hinton might be an anon but frank hinton is very accessible. you wouldn't be able to talk to sylvia plath on ghcat. you wouldn't be able to send edgar allan poe a direct message on twitter. johnathan franzen will never hold a spreecast and you will never be able to ask johnathan franzen questions on spreecast. frank hinton is what is going on now. frank hinton is this thing. this thing is open for interpretation but frank hinton is a big part of this thing. you can't talk about this thing without talking about frank hinton. anonymous frank hinton. frank hinton who runs altlitgossip. frank hinton who pisses people off because of some of the stuff that's on altlitgossip. frank hinton who cares alot about this thing. frank hinton who doesn't mean to offend anyone but will continue to speak his/her/their mind regardless because that's what frank hinton does. frank hinton has a fucking purpose and it will be served. we are here and frank is here and this is the way things are. if this thing gets bigger, you won't be able to discuss it without discussing frank hinton. that's pretty amazing if you think about it. but most importantly, was amy winehouse's first album about frank hinton? seems likely

1 comment:

  1. This was a good investment. I come away from this post with a little more clarity but, above all, with several words which, in this composition, I had not seen before. "Frank Hinton" are not two of those words. Happy holidays, Hintons!